Jokes

[ROKKET]

i would like to post jokes but no jokes tab and some of them however funny may be taken off color and :) WARPT

[kevmeister]

this set of booster cables walks into a bar and asks for some service. the bartender says " yeah, I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!"

[ROKKET]

lol
funny
real
funny

[mustang70]

That was a good one.

[kevmeister]

these 2 peanuts walked into a bar and 1 was a salted.

[DreadZer0]

Not so much a joke, but more a funny vid:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5lr4DUH9vY

[Shaft]

All of my jokes could be construed as offensive to thin skinned people. I just heard a few Michael Jackson jokes I would love to share but I don't want to offend any Jacko fans.

[kevmeister]

did you hear, the invisible woman married the invisible man. meh, their kids weren't anything to look at either...

[Scorp]

Did you hear Michael Jackson Died?

He got food poisoning from a 12 year old wiener. ( i know....i know.)

[roadweasel]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, smiles a sweet little girl smile, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my thnake weally gives a thit."

[Ayce]

:laugh: RW.

Maybe this thread needs it's own forum, sort of like "The Bar and Grille" (Not a typo, did that on purpose, yeah, that's it. :D )

[hos1981]

So this plane is going down and the pilot comes over the loud speaker and say's "attention passenger's, attention passenger's, the plain is going down!" "The only way we could make it to the landing zone is if we lose a little weight and the only way we could do this is to throw a couple people over board." "But, listen we're going to be fare and do it in alphabetical order." So the passenger's are like "alright." So the pilot say's "first I'm going to start with A, A, any african americans, african americans you have to jump off." "Next I'm going to do B, B, any black people, black people you have to jump off." "Next I'm going to do C, C, any colored people, colored people, you have to jump off." "Next I'm going to do D, D, any dark people dark, people you have to jump off." By now this little black kid is looking at his dad and he say's "dad what are we going to do we're african, black, colored and we're dark." The father replies "son today we're ******'s we're not jumping off till the mexican's do."

I just had to say it sorry if I offend anybody I'm not racist at all.

[kevmeister]

these 2 cannibals are eating a clown; one says to the other

"does this taste funny to you?"...

[ROKKET]

whats green an red an does 1000 mph ,,,,,,,,,,,,frog in the blender
what you call a dog with no legs,,,,,,,,,who cares not likle he's coming to you anyway
what you call a guy no arms or legs floating in ocean ,,,,,,,,,,,, BOB

14 year old son told me these today about drove me nuts

[ROKKET]

WHAT CAUSES
ARTHRITIS
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on
a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causesarthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well,
I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very
sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it,
Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question
before offering the answer.

[ROKKET]

EAR HAIR

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register,the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."


The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[ROKKET]

irish golfer


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get
three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.
'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever
needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same
hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun
is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little
guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an
internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf
game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills
I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting
to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[ROKKET]

Dear Deirdre,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know
them." I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but
I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down
I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again
and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the
garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area
when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls." When she got out
of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took
her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment,
crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the
grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.



Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?

[ROKKET]

Subject: BLONDE FLYING TO HOUSTON






THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMYCLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS ANDTHAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOTAND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASSTHAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THATBECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE ANDRETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THEPOLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHOWON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'MMARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHESAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."

SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHATHE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON ....

[ROKKET]

Newfounland Language


Brush up on your newfanese language



In Newfoundland, many do not pronounce the letter "H". For example hot
dog is pronounced ot dog and Home Hardware is pronounced ome ardware. Words are often
abbreviated....... it is called speed speaking. Following is an example.

One day in Class for 1st graders, the teacher was asking her class to
describe the use of Ozonol. Little Mary got up and explained that she had fallen while roller
skating and scratched her knee. She went home and her Mother cleaned the cut and put a bandage with
Ozonol on her knee and it was all better.

The teacher was so proud and then asked other children if they had any explanation of the word.

Little Aro (Harold) raised his hand and started to explain. "Well Teacher, DA udder nite, me an my fodder are watching da Montreehal and Tampa Ockey Game. An den my mudder start to do da vacuum. Den, my fodder, yell at my mudder, Lard tunderin, Louise, put dat dam ting away now or I'll stick it up your arse "Ose n, all".

[ROKKET]

2 FLEAS FROM SASKATCHEWAN




Two fleas from Saskatchewan had an agreement to meet every winter in Yuma for a vacation. Last year

when one flea gets to Yuma , he's all blue, shivering and shaking, nearly froze to death!



The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'


The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Regina , Saskatchewan in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.'


The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel.


Try what I do. Go to the Plains Hotel Bar in Regina . Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice

snowbird, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can

think of.'


The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.


A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Yuma , he is
all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly froze to death.


The second flea says, 'Didn't you try what I told you?'


'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said ... I went to the Plains bar. I had a few drinks. Finally,

this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm

that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley.

[ROKKET]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch'

[ROKKET]

This will make you smile!

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) Knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,’ Daddy, look at this’, and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[ROKKET]

Cup of Tea .
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... Smile

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[hos1981]

How does A black girl take a pregnancy test???

She sticks a banana up her **** and if it comes out half eaten there's anther monkey on the way!!

[Kevman]

Haha the one about the golfer with the cheating wife made my day....




Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”

[ROKKET]

roflmao nice one kevman

[cobra96]

ok so me and rokket were bored as hell one night and wanted something to do but we didnt have any money.

we sat around thinking until i came up with this bright idea. i told rokket, "i got a great idea. we'll go to the bar, run up the bill, and when we get ready to leave i'll whip out this big sausage from my pants. you get on ur knees and start sucking on it. they will throw us out for thinking we are queers."

rokket hesitates but really wants to go out and have some fun. he said yeah after thinking about it.

we go to a bar and start drinking and running the bill up. get bored with the place so i ask him is he ready. he agrees and i whip that big sausage out of my pants. he goes to town on it and they throw us out.

we didnt want the night to end so we decided to do it again. run the bill up. whip it out. he sucks on it like he owns it. get kicked out. we do this for a while. then after about the 5th bar rokket looks at me and says, "dude im gettin real hungry. that sausage is tastin pretty damn good. whip it back out so we can eat it."

i reply with, "man i threw that sausage out 2 bars ago" :D

[cobra96]

me, rokket, and mustang all died and went to Saint Peters Gate. Peter told us he would let us all in if we didnt mess with the ducks. we agree not to mess with them and he lets us pass.

we all go our seperate ways for a while

i was walking around one day and a duck walked in front of me and caused me to fall. i got pissed and punted the duck. then "poof". i was handcuffed to the ugliest woman ive ever seen. she had a huge hump on her back, pimples on her ass, black teeth, and hair on her chest.

one day me and rokket run up on each other and i see he has a woman just as ugly handcuffed to him. i asked him what happened and he said, "man one day i got bored and decided to see what would happen if i kicked the duck. i kicked it and this ugly ***** gets handcuffed to me."

so me and rokket started to catch up on old times when we see mustang walking up to us. he was handcuffed to the most beautiful woman my eyes had ever seen. perfect legs and ass with the prettiest face and figure id ever seen. me and rokket are stunned. we asked him, "dude how did u get handcuffed to someone like this!"

the girl replied, "man i just had to kick one of those ****ing ducks."

[ROKKET]

fricking hillarious bro ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but with our luck we'd end up handcuffed to a monster woman make us look like midgets and toothpicks ,,,,,,and you can KMA on hte sausage joke ,, LOL

[roadweasel]

OK so Rokket and Cobra are cruizin' through Montana when Rokket sees a sheep with her head stuck through a fence. They pull over and hop out, Rokket goes over to that sheep and just starts a-humpin' away on her until he's done and he steps back sayin' "that felt great, Cobra you wanna try it?"
Cobra says "Well I guess I could," and goes over there by the sheep and sticks his head through the fence....

[ROKKET]

OMG RW you are insane but thats hillarious as hell .

[cobra96]

fricking hillarious bro ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but with our luck we'd end up handcuffed to a monster woman make us look like midgets and toothpicks ,,,,,,and you can KMA on hte sausage joke ,, LOL

lol yeah i had to do it...:rofl:

[cobra96]

OK so Rokket and Cobra are cruizin' through Montana when Rokket sees a sheep with her head stuck through a fence. They pull over and hop out, Rokket goes over to that sheep and just starts a-humpin' away on her until he's done and he steps back sayin' "that felt great, Cobra you wanna try it?"
Cobra says "Well I guess I could," and goes over there by the sheep and sticks his head through the fence....

:rofl: ok thats funny...even though i was the butt of the joke :D

[ROKKET]

lol he said BUTT ,,,ok bro where is your mind at? wrong choice of wording? j/k woulda been funneir had it been obama an osama

[gcountach]

Here's one my recent favorite set of jokes:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

[Ayce]

oldie but a goodie. :laugh:

[cobra96]

lol he said BUTT ,,,ok bro where is your mind at? wrong choice of wording? j/k woulda been funneir had it been obama an osama

yeah that was intentional lol...i just had to make another funny since i cant think of anymore jokes

[ROKKET]

as posted by a friend on a FPS gaming sight !

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
Crap?

[cobra96]

hahahaha...good one

[ROKKET]

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

[cobra96]

im going to have to go home and start thinking of some of my jokes...but i will talk to u guys later...i only got 2 mins remaining on the library computer :( i will speak with yall monday

[kevmeister]

my wife likes this one (RW might not, so...we just won't tell her, will we?)

do you know why they call it PMS?

because "mad-cow disease" was already in use...

[Ayce]

Signs the economy is in trouble





1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.


2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars.


4. McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.


5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their

children's names.


6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.


7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.


8. Motel Six won't leave the light on.


9. The Mafia is laying off judges.


10. When bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call the bank and ask if they meant you or them.

[SirFixALot]

Did you hear McDonalds is planning a tribute burger called the McJackson???? 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

[ROKKET]

lol all i got to say about it


bank has no funds is too FUNNY

and sirfixalot can you say YUK?

[Kevman]

Did you hear McDonalds is planning a tribute burger called the McJackson???? 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

Greatest first post EVER.

[Steel]

I took my car to have brakes put on it the other day and walked into the waiting room where an 80 year old woman sat. I took a seat and after a few agonising boring few minutes I noticed a paper cup full of peanuts. Well I didnt really think about it but picked the cup up and started popping those peanuts in my mouth. I noticed the old woman looking at me funny and I aked " I'm sorry were those your peanuts ?" She replied " thats ok honey im done with them, all I can do nowadays is suck the chocolate off them" :D

[ROKKET]

roflmao huh oh ya flubbered

[ROKKET]

what do you call a woman with PMS and a GPS tracker ???



a B_ _ _H that can find you anywhere

[ROKKET]

a cop tells a hooker its ilegal to sell sex !!
she looks cop in face and says i am not selling sex i am selling condoms with free P_ _ _ _ samples

[Pepsibottle1]

Just remember....

When you see a 15 year old in a 1988 Thunderbird Turbo Coube, bump drafting the hell out of Rokket in his Yugo hatch, struggling to hit 50, that's meh.

[ROKKET]

ah take it to smack talking only time i ever on a yugo was running over it in my 4x4 at tough truck comp in angel stadium back in 1990

[Pepsibottle1]

ah take it to smack talking only time i ever on a yugo was running over it in my 4x4 at tough truck comp in angel stadium back in 1990

lawz, jk :p

[Chevelle13]

Oldie but Goodie....

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes...............

Nothin somebody already told her twice.

[ROKKET]

ROFLMFAO my ex brother inlaw in Vegas told me same joke a couple years ago then all a sudden ,,,, hey waite were you from so call and used to have a NASTY FAST VW MANX ?

[SgtDoxey75]

sounds like a good friend of mine he had a manx that was tricked and was really fast

[Steel]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Steel]

http://www.motorworldonline.net/forum/imgupload/uploads/8ddf3f79cb7c9e51794d8518c32c8c0b.jpg (http://www.motorworldonline.net/forum/imgupload/uploads/8ddf3f79cb7c9e51794d8518c32c8c0b.jpg)
http://www.motorworldonline.net/forum/imgupload/uploads/ffeed080dece20d569e3a1e13844c662.jpg (http://www.motorworldonline.net/forum/imgupload/uploads/ffeed080dece20d569e3a1e13844c662.jpg)[LEFT]http://www.motorworldonline.net/forum/imgupload/uploads/ad379c422f4774d1afd0c77938214727.jpg (http://www.motorworldonline.net/forum/imgupload/uploads/ad379c422f4774d1afd0c77938214727.jpg)

[Steel]

Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

[Steel]

My Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his truck load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the truck up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Billy Bob answered, "but I don't think my Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the truck."

[Steel]

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

[roadweasel]

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!':p

[roadweasel]

Cletis and Cooter go out huntin'. Cooter fires a shot at a big ol' buck but he hits Cletis instead. Cletis is layin' there all bleeding and not moving and such so Cooter pulls out his cel phone and calls 911.
"911, state your emergency"
"Yeah uh, I shot my friend on accident, and I think meybe he's dead!" Says Cooter
The 911 operator says "Calm down sir, I need you to make sure, ok?"
"Ok" Says Cooter in a shaky voice, and shot him again.

[Bonez]

I lose more friends that way :(

[Pie]

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

[BoDarville]

Where do cows go when they die?












The milky way of course:>

[Pie]

There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance ?" Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck." The farmer shot him.

[BoDarville]

Nothing in a week?


COme on guys this site should be getting more active not less!!!

[baddog_1_2k]

FIAT jokes are good LOL

What is the smallest part of a FIAT?

The owners brain



A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

[ROKKET]

FIAT jokes are good LOL

What is the smallest part of a FIAT?

The owners brain


"

i'll have you know i seen a fiat ,,,,,you would laugh at , complete with a blown big block chevy in a fiat spider talk about OVERKILL
guy in lake elsinore Ca has a fiat with a 4.3 chevy in it and that thing hauls N-TS